South Pacific Episode 1: Fake It Til You Make It

So, here we are! A new season, and we start with Coach and Ozzy in a helicopter. Already the returnees are eating up screentime? It actually makes sense though, as I thought it was kind of weird how the opening credits to last season never had Rob and Russell.

But...oh! There are 16 other players in the game as well, apparently! John appears to already be bragging about being a Survivor expert. Elyse won me over from her very first giggly confessional, where the Native American says  "I'm hoping somewhere in my ancestral background the spirits will impart some wisdom". Bless.

Christine mocks the Dragon Slayer

The newbies greet a green-shirted Jeff in the Redemption Island arena. There's excitement in the air as the returning players arrive. An unintentionally funny moment occurs when Edna tells Brandon that she hopes it's not Russell..not knowing that he's Russell's nephew. Upon finding out it's Coach and Ozzy...Christine immediately calls them "temporary players". John reveals how excited he is to be in the game, reels off some Survivor stats, and asks Jeff if he could call him "Cochran", because he calls all his favorites by their last name. Jeff gives the veterans eggs to smash, and Ozzy ends up on the red tribe, leaving Coach on the blue tribe.

Right off the bat, Jeff announces there will be a challenge between Ozzy and Coach for reward. As you could predict, Ozzy decimates Coach on the physical portion. It ends with a tricky mental pyramid puzzle, where both of them struggle, until Ozzy asks for encouragement. Ozzy wins the challenge and wins flint for his tribe. He makes sure to credit his teammates for their help, though.

I feel so sorry for Coach as he leaves the arena with only Edna there to comfort him. He's already been bitchslapped by Christine, then he got shown up in a challenge, and now his team won't even walk out with him.

Semhar: A poet and she does know it

On Savaii, Ozzy sees that everyone is expecting him to be the leader. Semhar confesses to being a "spoken word artist" and gives a little poetry recital that Ozzy seems to enjoy. Hope he's not forming another little crush. The tribe then decide to all get in the water and just have fun. It's fun to watch nerdy, insecure Cochran struggle with it. Eventually, Cochran does make his Baywatch-style entrance to the ocean.

Things get easier for Coach and he manages to prove his worth by giving them all tips on shelter construction. He also had a conversation in Russian with Sophie. Who knew? Sophie and Mikayla get the palm leaves and Brandon starts chopping. Christine goes off claiming to look for firewood, but begins a quite blatant search for the immunity idol, which does not go unnoticed. With a selfish attitude like that, she's likely to be out of the game very soon.

Nobody is loving the Savaii group swim more than Jim, as he loves being around the three attractive ladies in their swimwear. He tells everyone he's a science teacher, when he actually sells marijuana. Mark Anthony tells the tribe he's gay and that his nickname is "papa bear". Meanwhile, Dawn is disappointed by Ozzy's lax leadership. She's concerned that they should have a shelter by now.

Mikayla, the temptress

Coach and Mikayla notice some of Brandon's tattoos (not the "Hantz" one, though). Apparently Brandon dislikes Mikayla because she flaunts herself, and he's attracted to her. Seems kind of an odd reason. I personally really like her. The girl can fix a shelter and look good doing it, too.

The first night, Coach is talking with Albert, Sophie, Rick and Brandon and he seizes that opportunity to make it an official alliance. He tells them about the importance of day 1 alliances and how strong they are. Pretty surprising to see Coach does have a strategic game after all. He claims he's here to win and maybe that's not such an impossible reality any more. I'm not sure if I think this is the best alliance for him, though. Rick, a known Coach dissenter, ahead of Edna, someone who actually likes him?

Mark tells Dawn they need to stick together

Dawn is proving to be quite the klutz on Savaii. She knocks out the fire, walks into trees, and needs to be given a pep talk by Ozzy. He does a pretty good job of calming her down and making her feel better. Meanwhile, two of the tribe's weaker members get a moment to shine. Semhar gives the tribe toothbrushes, and Elyse teaches Cochran how to chop a coconut, in what he calls a "true coming-of-age moment". Cochran claims he wants to use his social game to get by, but it appears Ozzy already dislikes him.

Does he really think he can keep his shirt on for 39 days?

Someone who did impress me with their social game is Brandon. He seems much better at it than Russell ever was (like that's hard). And he is proving his worth to the tribe as the chief fisherman. Meanwhile, Sophie demonstrates why she's been called the smartest female player ever by claiming that she has a gut feeling that Brandon is hiding something. Good call.

Time for the first team challenge! We see both tribes' strategy talk session, which is unusual. Anyway, Upolu take the lead in the obstacle course. Cochran is a mess when he gets to the wall. Ozzy makes up some time on the dig, but Rick does a great job on the rope cutting and releases the coconuts first. Both tribes get three shooters: Upolu choose Brandon, Mikayla and Albert. Savaii choose Ozzy, Keith and Semhar (huh?). Semhar is so bad that Mark even asks if they can switch out. Upolu, largely thanks to Mikayla, win the challenge.

UPOLO! UPOLO! Stacey leads the chanting

Jeff tells the tribes that this was the closest challenge he's ever seen and one more coconut would've done it for Savaii. That's unlikely to be any comfort to them. He then explains one of the rule changes for immunity idols. The clue is hidden at camp too, and first they have to find that. Jim goes off on Semhar a little bit. "You feel sorta bad? I feel sorta bad when I'm out of milk".

The victorious Upolu tribe return to camp to start looking for the immunity idol. "It's probably right in my face and I don't even know it" says Stacey. And it turns out...she did brush right over it when she stuck her hand in the right tree and missed it!

"Her body is mesmerizing, but not hypnotizing"

Back at camp, Semhar calls out Jim for yelling at her and making her feel even worse than she already was. It seems Ozzy is pushing for Semhar to stay, which frightens Jim. Jim tips Cochran off that he's in trouble, and after whining about how much he sucks, claims his dream has turned into a nightmare.

At tribal council, it all comes out in the open that the first vote is between Semhar and Cochran. Jim doesn't like how she volunteered and then didn't deliver. Semhar defends herself by saying she thinks having the guts to step up is a positive. Cochran and Semhar have a bit of a debate, and Cochran promises to improve his efforts if he is allowed to stay. The votes come in, and surprisingly everyone votes for Semhar. As she departs to Redemption Island, Ozzy suddenly remembers that he "should've taught her how to make fire". Great, so now the weakest girl in the game has an even tougher road ahead, and this time alone. Thank God for Redemption Island.

STAR OF THE WEEK: JIM RICE

I knew he was my pre-season favorite for a reason. By taking steps to limit Ozzy's power in the tribe, Jim deserves plaudits for stopping this from being a Redemption Island repeat. Plus, he's a quote machine.